You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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