Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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