Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Terrible idea I love it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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