I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish you could order shots online.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
