I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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