You smell like a Billy Joel song
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
