you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
