you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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