i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
