btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
