OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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