i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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