If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
