Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
