So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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