i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
