Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
time to smoke my breakfast
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
