My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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