my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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