the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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