lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
