The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
