I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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