I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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