I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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