listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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