kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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