I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
