ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
