The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
