Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize