I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
