batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
