6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have fence marks all over my body
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
