take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
