Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
