Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
