I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
