I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
