i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
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Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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