Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My vagina is officially offended.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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