So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
