She said her name was "party"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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