dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
