I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
