I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
