nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
