I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
