I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize