dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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