i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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