My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You need Xanax blowdarts
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
