so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
