im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
