ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sarcasm needs its own font
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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