if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dick very happy bro
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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