We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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